"For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made

in the secret place, when I was woven together

in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my

unformed body; all the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be."

Psalm 139: 13-16

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

It's Still Ok.

Today was a good day. It's the first day I have felt even a little bit more like myself, despite being limited in what I can do. I still have these drains. In my head I keep thinking of the minute I finally get them out. I am reasonably certain I shall burst forth in song, to the tune of "Amazing Grace" Chris Tomlin style, except it sounds like, "my drains are goooooone, I've been set freeeeee!". Clearly I have had a little time on my hands. It has taken a small army of helpers to take care of the kids, the house, and me during the last week. I cannot tell you how much I owe my family and friends. I can only hope to help someone in the future in the way in which these amazing people have served us in love.

My lowest point was over the weekend. All the mental prep in the world can't quite measure up to staring yourself squarely in the mirror for the first time post-mastectomy. What surprised me the most was the shape. Instead of a smooth, flat remnant, there is a hollowed out place. So very different than the picture I had in my mind. It felt almost like more was taken from me. Weighed down by this reality, and the knowledge that once I am past this surgery there is still another mountain to climb made for a spiritual struggle of will. Sometimes it takes faith over feelings- choosing to believe the truth of His promises despite the lure of darkness. I am rejoicing in the fact that His truth wins every time. Sunshine helps too:)

I have been thinking about Meghan a lot these last few days. The surgery she has endured without a choice. She accepts it because it is her reality. She doesn't know a life any different than the life in which there are extra struggles, except to her, it's just what's normal. She keeps fighting, progressing, and moving forward in spite of the body she has been given. If this sweet girl can press on, so can I. I have learned that "the worst thing that can happen"....happens. And it's still ok. In fact, it's even better because no matter what you fear was taken from that hollowed out place is nearly always filled up beyond measure, and overflows with things that are so much better than what you had imagined you would lose. All things for good.

Next week we start the ball rolling towards chemo with some tests and appointments to begin the process. I am pretty sure I am going to participate in a clinical trial in which I will receive what is considered standard chemo, and depending on a computer randomization, one additional drug to try and treat the cancer. It's going to be a long process- 18-24 weeks of chemo even before the trial drug. The mountain is waiting.

And it's still ok.

  "Dear friends, don’t be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. Instead, be very glad—for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world....So if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep on doing what is right, and trust your lives to the God who created you, for he will never fail you."
                                                                                                               1 Peter 4:12-19

Doggie Update: We found out that Duke's tumor that they removed last week was in fact cancer. The vet gave him 2-12 months. I can't hardly believe this, but I am glad that we know. He will definitely be getting some extra treats and love for as long as we are lucky to have him around.

AND- thank you so much to everyone who has sent cards, gifts, texts, donations, bought T-shirts, prayed, served and LOVED us this week. We are so completely humbled, and grateful.


  1. Stay Strong Sarah you have been in my thoughts and prayers.. You've got this! Sending all positive energy Christi