"For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made

in the secret place, when I was woven together

in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my

unformed body; all the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be."

Psalm 139: 13-16

Monday, April 21, 2014

Facing the Future

Wasn't yesterday just beautiful? I have been so grateful for the beautiful weather we have had this past week. Having some sunshine and fresh air is healing to the soul when you feel any trepidation over the future. We have been able to enjoy some great time outside with the girls. Meghan has a loaner walker (and her new walker should be arriving really soon!), and she has been able to go outside and start exploring which is amazing! Her skills have started to take off. She's pulling herself up to stand, and incidentally, decided that yesterday was a great day to try and crawl UP the stairs for the first time!

She is bringing me so much joy right now (and an equal amount of panic, rest assured). At least she can tell me when she wants to sit or stand, which makes protecting her a little easier:) Both of my girls have provided me with a special strength right now, born out of a lot of silliness!

We are gearing up for surgery Wednesday. Last week I had a breast MRI which thankfully did not show any cancer on the right side. The pathology report from the biopsy was positive for cancer cells at the surgical margins of excision, and more cancer lit up on the MRI of the left side. I am anxious now to have the surgery and get it out now that I know more is still hiding out in there. I also spoke with my oncologist. We will formally meet tomorrow, but he was kind enough to call me and give me an idea of what the plan will likely be. As of right now, he feels that based on my age at diagnosis and the fact that the cancer was already invasive we will do 4 cycles, 3 weeks each, of chemo, beginning 4 weeks after surgery. This is not a fun thing to think about, but I was happy for the extra 3 days to prepare to be off of work. I also met with a plastic surgeon to discuss reconstruction options. The information was helpful, and further reinforced my decision not to reconstruct at this time. I really want to get past the cancer stuff first, and then make a decision. Because I will get past it. I will.

Preparation has been a the the theme around here. We have meal schedules, and schedules to help get the girls to and from school and appointments and therapy. My bedroom is completely redone, and is now a little sanctuary in my house, complete with a loaner recliner to use during recovery. There have been willing hearts and hands- so many people offering help that I am overwhelmed and humbled to have such fantastic people in my life. All the physical preparation has left me wondering how mentally prepared I am for this. As much as my identity is not wrapped up in my physical body, it is still such an egregious assault on my woman's heart to lose that which is part of what makes me a woman. I am thankful however, that I got to nurse my babies, giving them that precious gift, and establishing that bond before I have to lose that ability to cancer. I have thought and prayed about how the Lord wants me to handle this experience- how He wants me to respond in the face of a challenge that although it affects men as well, is uniquely female. Sometimes He whispers in response, and sometimes He shouts. When you see the same verse over an over again in different places, I consider it shouting.  
"She is clothed with strength and dignity,
    and she laughs without fear of the future."
Proverbs 31:25

So laugh I will.

Thank you Sarah for your talent, friendship and generous spirit. Thank you for crying right along with me, and giving me a gift I can only repay with love. You are a blessing to me!

1 comment:

  1. Prayers for you sarah. I'm so sorry to hear of this road you have to travel. God bless you! You WILL beat this!♡