"For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made

in the secret place, when I was woven together

in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my

unformed body; all the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be."

Psalm 139: 13-16

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Happy NEW Year

Happy 2015! From our family to yours, we can certainly say we are glad to ring in this new year. I had hoped to squeeze in a Merry Christmas post,  but this last month was a little rough on the girls. Both were very sick, and Meghan ended up back in the hospital for low blood sugars last week. So far all we can tell is that she is a kiddo with very little reserve to fight a prolonged illness. Testing in the hospital showed that her adrenal glands are functioning normally, and so all we can say now is that we know we have to be cautious when she is ill. We were very happy to take our New Years Eve and turn it into a mini Christmas do-over with Meghan! She has been back to her spritely little self these last few days, eating way more by mouth than she typically does, and busting out all her songs. Ten to one she can out-nursery-rhyme you:)

These last couple of months were light on follow up appointments, but we did see her neurologist before her first hospital stay and she got rave reviews despite him being a little puzzled as to why her balance is so off. We reviewed her most recent MRI's and the neurosurgeon feels that her Chiari malformation is stable (a possible cause for her balance issues) so we are staying the course with therapy and helping her to become stronger. She has been cruising like a maniac, and has started to take two or three independent steps in between people she knows will catch her when she falls:) I am so proud of this kid it hurts.

It's amazing to think of all we have been through over the course of 2014. Back when I first began my treatments, I couldn't begin to conceptualize how long and how hard I would have to fight both physically and spiritually over the course of being "sick". Here we are 9 months later, and finally I feel like we are in the home stretch. I am still getting the infusions of Herceptin every three weeks, and there is only one other pesky thing to check off the list- the "other side". When I first had to make a decision about surgery, I felt we made the best, safest decision given the information we had at the time. I had no idea I had cancer in my lymph nodes, or that I would need radiation, or to be frank, how utterly strange I would feel with one breast instead of none. I am moving forward to complete a double mastectomy, and no, I am not having reconstruction. I have gotten a lot of strong reactions to that one- most people choose to have reconstruction especially when they are young. Because I had to have radiation, my skin and chest wall are fibrotic and scarred. To have reconstruction now would mean major, major surgery, skin grafts, and a very long and painful recovery for a result that I may or may not even be comfortable with. This time, for me, less is more. I am very much looking forward to being on the offense on January 13th, doing everything I can to make sure that I am here to live out my belief that it's so much more about who you are on the inside, and that I am here to teach that to my two precious girls as they grow up. Don't get me wrong- I have agonized over, prayed about, and shed many tears over this decision. It is not one I wish I had to make, or live with, but somewhere along the way I have begun to let myself believe that I am who God says I am, and that has nothing to do with how I look on the outside. He is changing me, stripping me of the worst parts of who I am and refining me with His fire. You can only imagine how stubborn I am if this is what it takes:) This "fight" is so much more than physical.

I took a look back through all the pictures I took in 2014. I saw some sadness, and tears, but overwhelmingly I saw joy. I saw my little girl turn into a little kid, losing her first tooth and running off to kindergarten. I saw my baby become a toddler, and smile through every one of her trials. I watched my husband as he lived out every day his promise to stand by me in sickness, holding our family together with the strength of our Savior. I saw solidarity, support, spectacular friendship, and love. So so so much love, and laughter in spite of a mess. If 2014 was about endurance and survival, 2015 is about overcoming and thriving. It is the year I will get to say I am cancer-free. We might, by the grace of God, see Meghan walk.

It's going to be a good year.

"And He who sits on the throne said, 
"Behold, I am making all things new." 
And He said, "Write, for these words are faithful and true."
Revelation 21:5