"For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made

in the secret place, when I was woven together

in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my

unformed body; all the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be."

Psalm 139: 13-16

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Faith, mountains, and very tiny hearts.

Admittedly, I’ve been struggling lately- partly because working full time and being a mom to a toddler while pregnant is NOT easy, and being physically tired make everything more amplified. But there is also more to it than that. When something like what we are going through happens in your life, you are forced to decide what you really believe about certain things, including faith. Bear with me as I attempt to put what’s on my heart into words…

Our pastor said in a sermon a few weeks ago that trials are the time when you discover your real theology. I agreed because I thought at the time it had to do with choosing life in the face of a poor prognosis. Now I am realizing that it is about much more than guiding simple choices. Your beliefs provide the basis for your choices, and a trial will test them, but they are also continuously refined through such an experience.

When you are faced with a difficult situation, you are truly challenged to rely on yourself or to trust in God and His bigger plan.  I admit, I have not always chosen to trust. After all, that is how our culture tells us we should get through things. Be strong- self reliance is best. Turning to your “faith” is a sign of weakness, and admittance that you can’t handle whatever situation you are in. But when faced with something that inescapably affects the rest of your life, and more importantly the rest of your child’s life, for me there was no other choice than to claim His promises and stand on the only solid ground I have. So then the question becomes, what do I really believe about this “faith”?  The most well known explanation to me was Matthew 17:20 “I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you”. So what does that mean? If I have enough faith that my little girl will be healed then she will? Maybe, but I know that prayers are not always answered in the way we want them to be. But what does the mountain really look like, and who’s mountain is it in the first place? Is the mountain this diagnosis? Or is my faith the mountain He wants to move? I think the answer comes in the surrender. Surrendering to His will, knowing that it does not mean that all will be perfect- it may be very far from it. But the Truth is that He is carrying us, and His will will be accomplished according to a perfect plan that I can only hope to see in retrospect. Even when my worst fears are realized, He is still sovereign.

Our pastor said in the same sermon that a trial will increase your faith and prove your faith is real. Thinking about it, what would accomplish that more completely? The miracle of answered prayer for healing? Or a very different answer- one that will prove daily that when I trust in Him, His grace will always be sufficient and His power made perfect in my weakness. I know that no matter what, good will come from this little girl’s life. She has already made me a better person. 1 Corinthians 13:2 says “if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.” I may not have this faith thing figured out, and my mountain may not move, but I know that His will, and no matter what, we will always have love.

As for the Meghan update, we had our fetal echocardiogram this week to check Meghan’s heart. Finally some good news! While the cardiologist wants to recheck things in a few weeks, for now we are “low-risk”. Praise God.