My lowest point was over the weekend. All the mental prep in the world can't quite measure up to staring yourself squarely in the mirror for the first time post-mastectomy. What surprised me the most was the shape. Instead of a smooth, flat remnant, there is a hollowed out place. So very different than the picture I had in my mind. It felt almost like more was taken from me. Weighed down by this reality, and the knowledge that once I am past this surgery there is still another mountain to climb made for a spiritual struggle of will. Sometimes it takes faith over feelings- choosing to believe the truth of His promises despite the lure of darkness. I am rejoicing in the fact that His truth wins every time. Sunshine helps too:)
I have been thinking about Meghan a lot these last few days. The surgery she has endured without a choice. She accepts it because it is her reality. She doesn't know a life any different than the life in which there are extra struggles, except to her, it's just what's normal. She keeps fighting, progressing, and moving forward in spite of the body she has been given. If this sweet girl can press on, so can I. I have learned that "the worst thing that can happen"....happens. And it's still ok. In fact, it's even better because no matter what you fear was taken from that hollowed out place is nearly always filled up beyond measure, and overflows with things that are so much better than what you had imagined you would lose. All things for good.
Next week we start the ball rolling towards chemo with some tests and appointments to begin the process. I am pretty sure I am going to participate in a clinical trial in which I will receive what is considered standard chemo, and depending on a computer randomization, one additional drug to try and treat the cancer. It's going to be a long process- 18-24 weeks of chemo even before the trial drug. The mountain is waiting.
And it's still ok.
Doggie Update: We found out that Duke's tumor that they removed last week was in fact cancer. The vet gave him 2-12 months. I can't hardly believe this, but I am glad that we know. He will definitely be getting some extra treats and love for as long as we are lucky to have him around.
AND- thank you so much to everyone who has sent cards, gifts, texts, donations, bought T-shirts, prayed, served and LOVED us this week. We are so completely humbled, and grateful.