Fighting words

I'm home. I am happy to be back in my own bed, surrounded by the sounds of sweet little voices. Duke (the dog) and I are recovering together. On Monday I woke up to a hurting puppy. After several vet trips and a couple ultrasounds, they found a tumor on his spleen which had ruptured and was bleeding in to his abdomen. He underwent surgery Tuesday to remove the spleen, and now we are waiting on the pathology to tell us if it was a benign tumor, or something worse. If the dog and I have cancer at the same time....well, he is just taking his canine empathy a little too far!

My surgery went as well as it could have. The first few hours after were really rough- I was pretty sick from the anesthesia, but once that wore off I have felt ok. Unfortunately they did find cancer in my lymph nodes, meaning it has spread at least a little bit. They took all the lymph nodes under my left arm and we are waiting on the pathologist to tell us how many nodes total were positive. Because my surgeon had to take so many, she also intentionally cut a nerve branch which has left me with some numbness to my left arm. I also have 2 surgical drains in place which should come out in a week or so. Once they are out, I will have some additional testing to see if they can identify whether or not the cancer spread to any other organs or to my bones. Chemo is a definite now, and radiation is highly likely as well. Reality has definitely set in.

I spent a little time yesterday struggling with all of this. For the first time since the diagnosis I am scared. My body is different now, and the knowledge that chemo isn't just a precaution because of my age- that's it's a necessity- well I am just sad, and scared, and shocked. But, I refuse to give in to any sadness. I refuse to wallow in the anxiety of what "may be". For the first time I feel I am ready to fight, knowing that this is about not only surviving through cancer, but thriving in the midst of it. This is an absolutely impossible feat without God. He allowed this to happen to me, but he also promises that he will never leave me or forsake me (Deut. 31:6),  he goes before me (Isaiah 45:2), and he will fight for me (Exodus 14:14). There is assurance from every angle that he is walking with me through this trial. And there is assurance of his love. We are promised suffering in this life, but we are also promised hope because of his perfect love.

"There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear" 

1 John 4:18

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

John 16:33

Resting in His promises today.

And the promise of a good shampoo. It's the little things:)

Under His Wings

  I just wanted to send out a last minute thank you for everyone's overwhelming support. Today is going to change my life, but it has helped so much to know that there are so many people who care, and who are standing beside our family as I take the first step in fighting cancer.

 "He will cover you with his feathers,

    and under his wings you will find refuge;

    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 

You will not fear"

                           Psalm 91:4-5

Thank you for lifting me up today.

Facing the Future

Wasn't yesterday just beautiful? I have been so grateful for the beautiful weather we have had this past week. Having some sunshine and fresh air is healing to the soul when you feel any trepidation over the future. We have been able to enjoy some great time outside with the girls. Meghan has a loaner walker (and her new walker should be arriving really soon!), and she has been able to go outside and start exploring which is amazing! Her skills have started to take off. She's pulling herself up to stand, and incidentally, decided that yesterday was a great day to try and crawl UP the stairs for the first time!

She is bringing me so much joy right now (and an equal amount of panic, rest assured). At least she can tell me when she wants to sit or stand, which makes protecting her a little easier:) Both of my girls have provided me with a special strength right now, born out of a lot of silliness!

We are gearing up for surgery Wednesday. Last week I had a breast MRI which thankfully did not show any cancer on the right side. The pathology report from the biopsy was positive for cancer cells at the surgical margins of excision, and more cancer lit up on the MRI of the left side. I am anxious now to have the surgery and get it out now that I know more is still hiding out in there. I also spoke with my oncologist. We will formally meet tomorrow, but he was kind enough to call me and give me an idea of what the plan will likely be. As of right now, he feels that based on my age at diagnosis and the fact that the cancer was already invasive we will do 4 cycles, 3 weeks each, of chemo, beginning 4 weeks after surgery. This is not a fun thing to think about, but I was happy for the extra 3 days to prepare to be off of work. I also met with a plastic surgeon to discuss reconstruction options. The information was helpful, and further reinforced my decision not to reconstruct at this time. I really want to get past the cancer stuff first, and then make a decision. Because I will get past it. I will.

Preparation has been a the the theme around here. We have meal schedules, and schedules to help get the girls to and from school and appointments and therapy. My bedroom is completely redone, and is now a little sanctuary in my house, complete with a loaner recliner to use during recovery. There have been willing hearts and hands- so many people offering help that I am overwhelmed and humbled to have such fantastic people in my life. All the physical preparation has left me wondering how mentally prepared I am for this. As much as my identity is not wrapped up in my physical body, it is still such an egregious assault on my woman's heart to lose that which is part of what makes me a woman. I am thankful however, that I got to nurse my babies, giving them that precious gift, and establishing that bond before I have to lose that ability to cancer. I have thought and prayed about how the Lord wants me to handle this experience- how He wants me to respond in the face of a challenge that although it affects men as well, is uniquely female. Sometimes He whispers in response, and sometimes He shouts. When you see the same verse over an over again in different places, I consider it shouting.  

  

"She is clothed with strength and dignity,

    and she laughs without fear of the future."

Proverbs 31:25

So laugh I will.

Thank you Sarah for your talent, friendship and generous spirit. Thank you for crying right along with me, and giving me a gift I can only repay with love. You are a blessing to me!

Moving Forward

Most of this week has been spent in various stages of disbelief, fear, or overwhelming gratitude. What a strange place to be in! I am so completely humbled by everyone that has reached out to offer support. We have been blessed to know much human kindness because of Meghan, but my diagnosis has brought me to my knees with thankfulness for the friends and family in my life who are ready and willing to offer their hands in the fight.

My surgery is confirmed for April 23rd. When we discussed all of the options with my surgeon, my choice is to have a total mastectomy, without reconstruction, with a sentinel node biopsy. You can read more about that here It seems to be the safest route to go from both a cancer fighting and complication standpoint. I was able to get in more quickly for the surgery, the recovery time is shorter, there's fewer complications, and there will be shorter delay in starting chemo if that is what they decide I need. I learned that my tumor is strongly estrogen and progesterone receptor positive, and HER2 negative, which my doctor says is actually great news because it means the cells are at least trying to behave like normal cells instead of cancer cells, and it means some endocrine therapies will likely be an option for me. I was glad for that piece of good news!

There are a lot of decisions still to be made, and I have several appointments over the next week. I see a genetic counselor today to discuss testing for the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes. A positive test would help us make decisions on having a double mastectomy instead of just the left. I have an MRI to check for lesions in the right breast on Tuesday. Please pray that this is negative- if something is found, it will delay the surgery process as we will have to go through biopsies of that site to determine if it is actual cancer or a benign lesion before we can make a surgery decision. I have pre-op teaching with my surgeons nurse to learn about the drain I will have in after surgery and how to care for my incision sites. I am also going to meet with a plastic surgeon to discuss options for reconstruction down the road. I just want to get this cancer part over with first. The last thing I have is an appointment with solid tumor oncology to talk about chemo. There is a small chance that I might not need it if my "oncotype" is favorable (another test they will perform on the tumor now that we know the receptors are positive) and if I have no cancer cells found in my lymph nodes during surgery. My surgeon thinks I will likely have to do chemo because my age is "less than 35 at diagnosis" which is unfortunately associated with higher re-occurrence rates. At any rate, there are still many things up in the air, but we have a plan for a first step in treatment which is having the mastectomy. (I still can't believe I am typing this.)

I've spent some time trying to get organized, and have delved into a little project to spruce up my bedroom decor in anticipation of spending some time in there. Mostly I am trying to pick up my babies as much as possible since I won't be able to lift for a few weeks after surgery. Having a Meghan makes this more complicated as her main mode of transport is still rolling around:) We will figure it out.

Despite the absolute awfulness of this diagnosis, I am already beginning to see God working through this situation. The blessing of having THE BEST friends in the universe (seriously, my girls know how to rally). Fresh appreciation for my family and my sweet daughters. Meaningful conversations. Genuine and overwhelming love from my friends and family. The gift of the living word of God breathing life and hope into my heart. This is the stuff that I will choose to focus on- the blessings- in the days and weeks to come.


 "though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed"
1 Peter 1:6-7

Pray that these two girls will be strong, and have peace during this process. Having Mommy out of commission will be hardest on them.

So you can hear it from me..

This was not the update I thought I would be writing today. In fact it's hard to even type out the words. Today, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I have had a lump that we have been watching for a while. The original diagnosis was a galactocele which is a milk cyst. I was still nursing at the time so we waited until 6 months after I was done and repeated the ultrasound. It was fine, and smaller, but on that exam the doctor found a new lump- one that I hadn't even detected myself. We've been watching both now for over a year, and three weeks ago at a regular follow up my doctor discovered that both lumps had grown, so I had biopsies done of both. The original lump is a benign fibroadenoma, and the one that my doctor found came back with atypical cells. This past Thursday I had a lumpectomy. Tonight, my doctor called and when the conversation started with "I'm afraid I don't have good news", suddenly I knew that moment would be frozen in time for the rest of my life. I know because I have been here before. Meghan's diagnosis day is similarly etched into my heart and mind.

I don't know much other than it is Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, and the plan will be to have a mastectomy and probably chemo. They are in the process of typing the tumor for hormone receptors. We meet with my doctor tomorrow to discuss the entire plan, and get me set up with I'm sure a whole lot more appointments. At least we are used to handling those:)

I am still totally in shock. Trying to wrap my mind around what this will mean for our family in the weeks to come is pretty tough. Uncertainty is something I am becoming familiar with, and if I have learned anything from having Meghan, it's that there is good in everything. Especially the hard things. We prayed before my surgery that the will of God would be accomplished. That whatever happened, it would be part of his perfect plan for my life. So my prayer now is that He will use this too for His glory, and that He will protect my family in the process.

Tonight I am resting in the everlasting arms of God. The one who Knit Me Together. I am afraid, and upset, and completely reeling, but I choose to believe that there is a purpose for all this, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will bring me through. After all, He gave me these two beautiful girls to help get me through....

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
Psalm 139:13-16

Thank you to Sarah Marie Photography for her talent and giving us these amazing images of the girls!

Happy Birthday to TWO

One reason I love this blog is that it allows me to sit and capture exactly where we are at at different times in our life, and today, we're celebrating a birthday over here! Our sweet Meghan is 2. Oh, how my heart ached last night as I gave my baby a bath, knowing it is likely the last time I will bathe a one year old. We are entering full on into toddler-ville, and let me tell you, Meghan is excited to be two. Our neurologist told us by the time she was two we would have a pretty good idea of where she will fall on the "spectrum"- something you cling to when you are the parent of a neurologically challenged child. It's a birthday that I have looked forward to not only because it would mean that we get to celebrate another year of her life, but also because I thought it would bring some degree of certainty to all the "wait and see's" we heard over the first year of her life. Now that we are here, there are a few things I am certain about. I love this kid beyond my wildest comprehension (and her big sister too). She loves singing more than just about anything, except maybe the dog. She cannot walk at 2- and that is totally ok. She knows her ABC's. Her most favorite thing to do is open and close- anything, repeatedly. She trusts me to clean her feeding tube, repeating "almost" as I do it because I always tell her I'm almost done. She says "I'm sorry" or "It's ok" when she's hurt, mostly because it's what I've always told her when anyone has to do something painful to her while she's awake. She loves to be outside, and to feel the wind on her face. She knows most all her animals, and Meghan saying "ee oo ah ah monkey" is maybe the cutest thing, ever. Her big sister got to take a "walk" with her last week- for the first time ever. This was big big stuff. She loves to dance- especially since our version of dancing is me holding her in my arms and skipping and twirling around the living room. She also loves to hug- if you see her scrunching up her face, pursing her lips and leaning into you, feel blessed. This is how she hugs. There are so many things about Meghan at two that I want to bottle up forever, and this is the bittersweet adventure of parenting. It's our job to help them grow, and we celebrate each new adventure, all the while wanting to cling to what is passing for just one more minute.

So she's two. Now that we have arrived at what they said would be an important birthday for developmental reasons, I could honestly care less what that means. More important than discovering where she's "at" at age 2, we love her just because she's Meghan, and that is more important than letting 2 be defined by her abilities. Here's to another year of adventure, of love, and of having the privilege to watch her grow!

Swinging with Daddy

This folks, is my cheese face.

Trying out the big kid stuff!

Safe:)

New transportation! We just ordered one (pending insurance approval) and are very hopeful to be taking some "walks" this summer!!

Had to add one of my big girl. Meghan wouldn't be Meghan without her Addie.

You have searched me, Lord,

    and you know me.

2 

You know when I sit and when I rise;

    you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 

You discern my going out and my lying down;

    you are familiar with all my ways.

4 

Before a word is on my tongue

    you, Lord, know it completely.

5 

You hem me in behind and before,

    and you lay your hand upon me.

6 

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

    too lofty for me to attain.

Psalm 139: 1-6

Thank you Lord that you know Meghan completely, and love her more than we will ever be capable of loving. Thank you that you have gone before her this next year. You know what is ahead for her, and what she will need. Thank you for the blessing of having this sweet life in our family, and in your wisdom, changing us to fulfill your purpose for our lives and hers. We praise you for your faithfulness.

AMEN!

Say It's So

Happy New Year! We're inching through these last weeks of winter, and ever closer to Meghan's second birthday. Apart from being cooped up in the house other than outings for therapy we've had a really great few weeks. On the medical front, she just saw her GI and dietitian and we're upping her calories to see if we can get her to put on some weight (she's still in 12 month pants!). She is so active lately! We're also looking into a blenderized diet for her (whole food nutrition through her g-tube), but we have to work closely with the dietitian to make sure she gets exactly what she needs. Other than that we've been working hard in PT to strengthen her legs. She's very motivated to stand, and reach objects that were previously unavailable to her- including- joy- the toilet lid (why does every toddler find fascination with this??). She also got to try out a gait trainer (think walker, for very tiny people), but as you can see, Meg was not exactly a fan...

We are told she'll get used to it:) 

The last couple months Meghan has continued to add words to her vocabulary. She can name more objects now than I can count, and has several phrases such as "hold you", "sit on the couch", "hi sweetie", and "more chicken!". Last night I had given her a bath and was holding her while we brushed her teeth (well, I get one swipe and she says "you try!" and grabs the brush). Out of the blue, she looks at me, leans in and gives me a Meghan hug (the arms aren't part of the hug just yet:). Then she looks up and says "I love you so much". Quite possibly the first five word phrase I have heard her say. Be still my mommy heart. For this sweet little girl who has the scariest brain MRI report I have ever read to be able to say that to me is a miracle. Every single child born is born with a purpose, regardless of their given abilities. So much of Meghan's life remains uncertain, and I don't know what plans the Lord has in store for Meghan for her future, but I am now absolutely certain that Meghan's purpose includes having a voice- and with that voice, we will teach her to praise the one who gave it to her. 

"I praise you Lord, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made"

Psalm 139:14

Here's a little sample of what she's doing recently. This is Meghan's Grammy:) Thanks to ALL our family who are in her face teaching her just as much as we are!