"For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made

in the secret place, when I was woven together

in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my

unformed body; all the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be."

Psalm 139: 13-16

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Being Still

So we're in it. I'm on day 8 of my first cycle of chemo, and finally feeling well enough to focus on something other than just plain moving forward, or my kids. My first treatment was blessedly uneventful despite it being a very long day. First we met with my oncologist one last time, the clinical trial nurse one last time, and after being given the green light we headed downstairs to "club chemo" at the Cleveland Clinic. When you check in they give you a little buzzer- a la crowded chain restaurant- and you wait for your turn to be seated in your chair for an entree of toxic infusion with a side of steroids and anti-emetics. Party of one. They give you each drug separately, so the infusion takes a while. I was randomized to receive the Herceptin so I am getting that drug plus the two chemo drugs Taxotere, and Cytoxan. I was grateful that they let me be up and around a little, and I was even able head out to the lobby for High Tea (since having tea out of real china cups makes you feel oddly better about life when you are hooked up to a cytotoxic cocktail).

High Tea with a dear friend:)
Being a good sport:)

While I was infusing we met with a nutritionist, and a social worker. The nutritionist discussed ways to cope with some of the appetite issues while on chemo, and the social worker came bearing gifts! I was given two pairs of fancy earrings to make me feel better about my impending baldness, and a little package from another young mom who just finished her journey with breast cancer. A book, and a pink quilt with scripture written all over it.
Thank you Laura!

Out of so many patients she gave it to me, and things like that just make you feel special! Her note had a link to her blog, (read it HERE!) and I have found it helpful to read about another young mother who went through a very similar journey.

What a surreal experience to be walking through- I was extremely grateful that day for the company of my husband and dear friend. That night wasn't too bad, and the next day I just felt "off", but well enough to go get a shot of bone marrow stimulating medication (so my body can still try and fight infections while on chemo), and have a delicious dinner at Chick Fil A with some of my favorite special needs moms!

These are some of the most incredible people I have ever met. Inspiring, and encouraging are understatements! 

Fortunately, cancer doesn't stop life from happening, and over the last week we had follow ups for Meghan with her neurologist and developmental pediatrician. She had testing to see where she falls on the spectrum with typical children. These appointments used to be such a source of anxiety for me, and now they aren't! It doesn't matter what she is or isn't doing- I just love watching Meghan be Meghan. I love watching other people marvel at how far she's come in 2 years. Sure she can't stand up on her own yet- go sing her a song. I dare you not to smile:) Both her neurologist and developmental pediatrician say she's cognitively and socially "right on track". This appointment incidentally, was with the same neurologist who gave us a "very poor prognosis" after reviewing her fetal MRI. We love him, and we know he is obligated to tell the truth, but I love that two and a half years later, she was clapping, singing, and chatting her way through that appointment:)  Praise God for such a miracle.

Introducing Meghan to Charming Charlies after her appointment:)

The rest of the weekend was spent just moving forward. Sometimes all I could do was just sit. The type of fatigue produced by chemo is unparalleled. Couple that with some unpleasant side effects and it's all you can do to just be. What a strange thing for me- not "doing" anything to fight (I am a doer!). Fighting means taking action! Fighting means accomplishing something! Yet, in the height of the physical battle, I hear God whisper "be still". Sometimes fighting means enduring. Sometimes it means chosing to focus on the peals of laughter coming from 4 happy girls running through the grass instead of what you feel like at the present moment.
So sometimes I will have to be still, and I am learning to find the good in that too.

 "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
Exodus 14:14

Being still, with a new haircut:) I wanted to lose some of it on my own terms.
Addie helped me try out wigs! This one looked way better on her;)

Thank you for continuing to pray for our family!!!

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