D-Day

There are certain days and moments in your life that you will never forget- those days that are so firmly written in your heart and mind that you remember in intricate detail where you were, what you were wearing, the weather….October 7^th 2011 was the day we had our anatomy ultrasound for Meghan one of those days. It was one of those brilliant clear and warm fall days, so warm that Joe and I had taken Addie to the park to play since we had some time before our appointment. For a short time, we lived in the moment, relishing the anticipation of the day. Soon we found ourselves in the exam room, the ultrasound technician taking so many images that Addie began to get fidgety and I started to get that sinking feeling in my stomach that accompanies days such as these. It wasn’t long before anticipation turned to anguish as our perinatologist gave us the official diagnosis of severe ventriculomegaly. The conversation that followed included words like “poor prognosis”, and a statement that I never wanted to have to consider-“there is the option for termination…”.  Even if I didn’t quite understand all that severe ventriculomegaly entailed, I certainly began to understand the severity when that was presented as an option. While it might have been an option for some, it wasn’t for us, so we left the office with a plan for follow up with the fetal care coordinator. That afternoon Joe and I researched, prayed, and tried to come to terms with what it all meant. It was that afternoon that Joe and I chose Psalm 139 as Meghan’s verse:

“For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. “ Psalm 139: 13-16.

Joe and I clung to that verse in the following weeks as we came to terms with having a child with special needs. We have held tightly to the belief that the Lord knew exactly what he was doing when he gave us Meghan Grace. While we have known about Meghan’s scoliosis for a while now, last week Meghan had a CT of her brain and spine and we learned that it is quite a bit more complicated than we expected. Our neurosurgeon said that her brain is filling in nicely and as far as her shunt is concerned we are in a great place. However, the results of her spine images were a little concerning, and led her to refer us to another neurosurgeon at Shriners Hospital in Philadelphia who specializes in complicated congenital abnormalities of the cervical spine. We are still awaiting information from that physician. Her therapies have been put on hold until we hear from the specialist.

One year later, the same verse we prayed for her from the beginning has new meaning to us as we reflect on the fact that indeed her frame was not hidden from His eyes. October 7th, 2012 we are in the midst of more uncertainty- we never thought we would be dealing with something else besides her hydrocephalus. There are still moments when I see other babies her age doing much more than she can do and there is pain that comes from a place I can’t explain, and I am sometimes afraid to admit. I am grateful though that one year later, with lots of prayer, we've learned how to live with earthly uncertainty while we fix our eyes on what we know is certain: The Lord gave us Meghan exactly as she was meant to be. She is a light, and a joy, and the gift of her life is so very precious to me.